Why
by xxIceCrystalxx
Summary: Nightcloud. Me. Crowfeather’s mate. The mate he never loved. I wish people would stop seeing me this way. I have a story of my own, you know. It begins like this...


_Nightcloud. Me. Crowfeather's mate. The mate he never loved. I wish people would stop seeing me this way. I have a story of my own, you know. It begins like this: _

_Why do I love you? _

The thought popped into my head as I stared at the nursery wall. I rolled onto my back, mulling over the possibilities.

_He doesn't love you. _The realization strikes with a sickening pang. _He never did._

'So what's stopping him from leaving?' a small voice asks in the back of my head.

Suddenly I'm terrified. "No," I whispered into the darkness. "He can't leave. I need him more than he needs me." I roll back onto my stomach. "He'll stay for his kits' sake," I murmur. "He has too. Maybe he'll even grow to love me."

I was dead wrong.

The kits were born on the half moon, the one night Barkface wasn't in camp. All I remember is waking up to a lot of pain, and then passing out again.

When I awoke I was in the medicine den. For a heartbeat, I can't figure out why I'm here. Then I remember _the kits! _

I leap to my paws, ready to race to the nursery. But Barkface appears out of nowhere and lays his tail on my shoulder. "Steady, Nightcloud," he murmured, "you need to rest."

"But my kits! I have to go see them!" I stare at him in horror.

"Your kits are fine," he replied. "A she-kit and a tom. But I couldn't save the last. I'm sorry."

"No…" I have to sit down. Then a new thought strikes. "Who's nursing them if I'm not there? They'll starve!"

"Relax. Whitetail is nursing them."

"But her kits became apprentices two moons ago!" Now I'm confused.

"She still has milk, but not much. I've been giving borage to her every day."

"Can I go see them?" I beg.

"Okay."

The camp is silent as I pad through the darkness and push my way into the nursery. My breath catches in my throat.

Curled up by Whitetail's belly are two tiny black kits. The tom-kit is slightly bigger than his sister. I bow my head to breathe in the sweet, milky scents of my babies. I purr.

Whitetail stirs. "Nightcloud?"

"Yes."

She gets up. The kits immediately begin to mewl. I settle down where she was, wrapping my body around my kits. "Thank you," I murmur.

"No problem," she replies, leaving.

The empty nursery suddenly seems cozy. I gaze down at my kits. "You will be Breezekit," I murmur to the tom. He looks like a tiny copy of me. "And you will be Cloverkit." The she-kit yawns.

As my kits begin to nurse, I rest my head on my paws and sleep.

A moon passed. Breezekit and Cloverkit grew. Breezekit was definitely the more lively of the pair, and it was all I could do to make sure he didn't annoy the other cats. Cloverkit was more timid, stopping to think her actions out before acting upon them.

Leaf-bare was in full force. The hunting patrols were bringing back less prey than usual. Every cat in the Clan seemed to be wasting away in front of me. But it was worse for me because I was nursing kits. I remember thinking that Cloverkit seemed to be getting weaker. I didn't think anything of it, though. Looking back on it, I wish I had.

One morning I woke up and Cloverkit was still. And cold. Deathly cold. Panic struck. "Cloverkit!" I whispered, nudging her and licking her. "Wake up, precious." But I think I knew, deep down, that she would never wake up.

My memories are blurred after that. I remember every cat in the Clan murmuring words of comfort to me. Every cat but one, that cat whose touch I craved most.

Crowfeather didn't come to pay me his sympathies, even though Cloverkit had been his daughter, too. He didn't come and press his muzzle to mine and whisper in my ear that he was so very sorry but we still had one son, and we had to do all we could to make sure he survived. I wished that he would have. I wanted him to. I needed him to.

Instead he sat hunched at the edge of the camp, his head bowed and his ears flat against his head. I walked over to him. "Crowfeather," I whispered.

He swung his head around and glared at me, his eyes blazing. "Go away, Nightcloud," he growled.

I take a step back. "But Crowfeather, our daughter—" I begin, shocked.

"I don't care," he growled.

"_Cloverkit is dead and you don't care?_" I ask disbelievingly. "Crowfeather, she was your _daughter_!"

But it's no use. He ignores me. "Fine," I meow bitterly, trying to hold back tears, not looking at him. "Fine. See if I care. I need to go check on Breezekit."

Breezekit is sitting up in the nest, his yellow eyes wide and questioning. "Mama, where's Cloverkit?" he asks, confused.

"Oh, my precious kit," I whisper, settling down beside him, tears finally falling, "Cloverkit isn't coming back."

"What?" he asks, looking more confused. "Why not? Doesn't she like me anymore?"

"She watches you from StarClan now, little one," I mew, tears sliding down my face.

"Oh." He lies down, looking at me. "But you'll always be here, won't you Mama?"

"Yes, Breezekit," I murmur, caressing him. "I'll always be here. I promise."

Moons passed. Breezekit became an apprentice. He was so solemn during the ceremony, staring at Onestar with wide eyes. When Onestar appointed Whitetail as his mentor, I felt ready to burst with pride for my son. I looked for Crowfeather.

There he was. He wasn't looking at his son, which surprised me. His gaze was fixed on Onestar.

I walked over to him. "Aren't you proud of him?" I asked him.

He spared me no glance. "Sure," he muttered.

"He looks like you," I meowed.

"Does he?"

I gave up trying to make him talk. I just concentrated on congratulating Breezepaw, even though inside I was falling apart.

It's night now. I needed to get away, so now I'm walking, not hunting or patrolling, just walking.

I'm not deaf. I hear what they're saying behind my back. They I'm bitter and overly possessive. They don't know what they're meowing on about.

Would you be bitter, if the cat that was your whole _life_ didn't care a _bit _about you?

Would you be possessive if you'd lost everything, except for your son and your mate and they were the only things keeping from insanity?

Would you?

I think you would.

I'm not alone anymore. Prey-scent. I drop into a crouch, my eyes just making out the white bobtail. I pounce.

The rabbit didn't have a chance to run. My unsheathed claws land squarely on its shoulders and I take its life with a swift bite to its spine.

"Nice catch."

I nearly jump out of my fur! "C-Crowfeather!" I gasp. "You scared me!"

Crowfeather sits beside me. "Sorry."

We were silent for a heartbeat. "You don't love me, do you?"

I don't know what made me say it. It just slipped out.

Crowfeather stares at me in shock. "Nightcloud—"

But the words just keep coming, like water in a stream. "You don't love me. You only took me as your mate to prove that you were loyal to WindClan. Where were you when I almost _died _after the kits were born? Why didn't you ever come to visit me in the nursery? Where were you when Cloverkit died? Where were you when Breezepaw was made an apprentice? Where were you, Crowfeather? Where were you?"

He shrugged. "I was in camp."

"Really. Not '_where were you_' in _that _sense. Where would you rather have been? With _Leafpool_? Don't bother lying to me."

Crowfeather stares at his paws. "I would've been with you."

The fur on the back of my neck bristles. "_Don't lie to me, Crowfeather_."

"Fine!" he hisses. "You want the truth? I'll give you truth. No, I don't love you. Yes, I would rather be with Leafpool. Yes, I only took you as my mate to prove I was loyal. Happy now?"

I shrink away from his blazing blue eyes. "No, I'm not," I admit quietly.

His voice softens. "You're a wonderful she-cat, Nightcloud. You're smart and funny and beautiful and you deserve so much better than me. I wish I could love you, but I can't."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not."

I want to believe him, and yet I don't. Truth be told, I'm afraid to trust him. I would prefer it if he just admitted that he hated me instead of telling me I was wonderful. It would've been easier. I don't want to have my heart broken again when he runs away with some other she-cat.

"I've always loved you," I admit. "Ever since we were apprentices together. I was devastated when you left on the journey to the sun-drown place. When you came back, I was ecstatic. I thought that we might have a chance together then." My voice hardens. "And then you ran off with Leafpool." I was there, you know. When he confessed that he was in love with Leafpool. I can still remember.

_Lightning flashed. A huge bolt of thunder made my paws shake. "After them!" Onestar—Onewhisker then—yowled. Two ShadowClan warriors raced off into ThunderClan territory. _

"_I'll go!" Crowfeather hissed beside me. I couldn't understand the terror in his eyes. He bounded away._

He'll need help, _I thought. I ran after him. _

_The ShadowClan warriors were running towards the ThunderClan camp. The pounding rain and the sound of my paws hitting the ground rhythmically were one to my ears. _

_A terrified yowl split the air. Crowfeather, who was ahead of me, skidded to a stop near the edge of the stone hollow. _

_Something told me I shouldn't be here. I slunk away to hide beneath a bush, where I had a good view of the camp, and the cats in it. _

_Leafpool clung to the top of the stone hollow, but she was slipping. "Help me, Crowfeather!" she begged. He didn't move, only stared down at her in horror. "Crowfeather!" _

_He lunged forward and grabbed her by the scruff, dragging her to safety. "Thank you," Leafpool panted. "You saved me." _

_Crowfeather stared at her. "Yes, I saved you," he murmured. "I saved you." I couldn't understand why he was looking at her like that. _

_He murmured some words I couldn't hear to her. Then, clearly, "You walk in my dreams, Leafpool." _

_She gazed at him, wonderingly. "But I'm a medicine cat…" _

You can't love him, _I thought fiercely. _You can't.

But she does. And he loves her.

_My mind was immediately filled with senseless babbling. One word stood out clearly: _

No!

Crowfeather stares at the ground. "I regret it," he whispered.

_You don't. _

"I need to get back to camp," he muttered. "See you later, Nightcloud."

I watch him go.

_So now you see. I'm not the prickly she-cat you should feel sorry for but can't. I have a heart too, and it's breaking more and more every day. Who knows? Maybe someday Crowfeather will get over Feathertail and Leafpool and love me after all. But judging on what I've seen of him so far, that day is very far off, if it ever comes at all. _

_I am Nightcloud, and I me. _


End file.
